Hella Bird on Razor Wire

dear nolan,

it would probably be more appropriate if this letter were on a piece of paper, written with my favorite pen, sent in an envelope with lots of birds and creatures drawn on it, mailed to one of your crazy parent’s house, out of public view,

but my thoughts are here, in this keyboard, right now, and I honestly don’t think I can commit to ever putting a stamp on that aforementioned theoretical envelope and slip it in the mailbox. my mind is just to feathery and flighty to remember and/or care to make such commitments.

also, my letters to other people are, more often than not, letters to myself anyway, so I thought I would go ahead and make it a blog entry.

your ideas you share make me so sad because i relate so much to what you say and i don’t want you to end up somewhere you can’t escape from. i want chaoschaoschaos all the time. something is propelling me forward and shooting me back all the time towards ugliness and vanity and self destruction and taking myself away from this world and part of me thinks i need to just say fuck everyone because what i want is all that matters and is raw and is real and why should i deal with the daily bullshit that fills my life? that is, of course, the abridged version of thoughts from a decade of questions and few answers.

live beautifully, but not self-destructively. you do not have to destroy your body and mind to be in touch with your soul. take care of these things because they might be precious to you. might be. i don’t actually know.

just. i know what it’s like. needing an idol. a guardian, as i like to say. i know how it feels, making people out to be incredible. he used to be my hero, too. i guess that is one of those feelings people need to survive sometimes.

-Anna

the combination of antihistamines and my sister’s glasses make me feel like a disheveled genius. i am quite loopy this evening. makes me want coffee and cigarettes and lemon bars.

I’m hungry I want snacks.

I think I will probably skip school tomorrow. Extended weekend makes me want to extend it even more.

just chillin.

Things I learned today:

-my aura is lavender

-i am able to consciously travel to dimensions beyond time and space

-i will eat cheese on pretty much anything

I watched mad max and was SO disappointed.

I have a cat her name is Adda. But you say it Aida.

I only get internet in my laundry room but it is such a hassle to come down here.

http://www.nme.com/video/bcid/49582897001

Here’s a music video I am in with Clark. We are naked. You guys should watch.

ps, i have a rat tail. it’s peeking.

GOLLY I forgot about this thing.

Ok. Pictured above is myself hanging out in Gus Van Sant’s woods with a monsterkitty hat used as costume for the Flaming Lips’ live shows. I never know how to punctuate band names. It is a singular entity. But there are more than one of them? Anyway, I stole that hat.

Clark and I got naked for a new Flaming Lips video due out in a couple weeks, perhaps. Then I will be sure to plaster it EVERYWHERE (given my naked, baby oiled body makes the cut). It was neat and that is that.

I am doing really well (I feel) at Aveda. I am not used to this level of stress every single day and night. I am finally feeling rested after sleeping. I am really good at clipper cuts. and layers.

I need to clean my apartment. But other than that, yeah life. Dinner party tonight with Beverlove and some strangers.

I have been reading the Fountainhead and I can feel it reshaping my brain. such a fucking weird/amazing book. Ayn Rand is such a crazy awesome bitch.

It’s making me have terrible nightmares, though. The full moon hit me so hard this month. I think it was because I was in Eugene and it was so substantially fall and cold and made me want to die inside. Too much coffee and biking home in the dead of night. So good/bad.

and in my dreams, you're alive and you're crying

I sing to myself almost every day on the way to school and I wish wish wish I had a better space and more time for music.

I’ve been in school only 3 days and i am beat, cynical. But motivated.

Mybody is so broken and beat.

I hate everyone today. It happens when I don’t sleep and am surrounded by large numbers of people. “why are you judging people so damn hard.” because I am constantly having a mental breakdown!

I don’t think people realize how much fucking self control I have. you have NO IDEA how fucking CRAZY I FEEL ALL THE TIME. I constantly want to break things and people and CRY and curl up into a ball and wail. I am always censoring myself and I just want to stop. This is the worst possible time in my life to be dealing with this BS. So I am not! I am carrying on and being all “someday I will be able to do all of this breaking.”

Someday I will fall. You will fall, you will fall, small bird, you will fall! Self-referencial meta-humor. The epitome of my life. JESUS CHRIST everything is hilarious. OnebigJoke!

Someday I will move to Alaska and do nothing but drink and smoke cigarettes and cut hair. I hate waking up in the morning, wanting something in my blood that isn’t blood. poisonchaos.

Clearly I am beat. Look at these words I just typed. What am I saying.

Video for "Stranger."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4LR7VqYUP8

I think this is pretty dope. I am so awkward when being filmed and all the time ever.

still, stoked on this, despite be looking chubby and awkward. Britt Brady is my hero. whoa awkward is not a real word to me right now. look at it. it has two w’s separated only by a k. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THIS WORD.

I have been having SO MUCH FUN BEING BACK IN EUGENE.

I went to a strip club with River, Tay, Britt, Dub and Rowan for Rowan’s last night in town. 10 dollars well spent. I saw TWO classmates stripping there. Oops. But then I made each of them give me a dollar dance. I didn’t get any titties in my face :(

I have been living at Keith’s this whole weekend with Nolan and EQ. I’m finally at my parents’ house. <3 puppies. <3 chickens. <3 bees for finally producing honey and oh my god it is wonderful.

To do this weekend: purchase nose ring from antrican, purchase hair dye for a girl whose hair I am doing, purchase makeup, put a touch of purple dye in hair, live the dream…? I think I pissed myself a little bit last night. I plan on not showering all weekend, though.

Fido, your leash is too long!

yeah, that’s right I’m stalking you, BITCH. and If you ever see this, I know you’re stalking RIGHT BACK.

HA.

A cute tiny dog just walked by my apartment complex (I have to sit in the entrance for intenets) with a VERY LONG LEASH and nobody on the other end! it was like one of those humorous moments in cartoons where the lease kept moving from left to right screen and just didn’t end for so long.

OH DOUBLE WEIRD THIS GUY WITH CLARK’S SHOES AND CLARK’S PANTS JUST WALKED BY and i looked about, about to be like “O HAY WHEN DID YOU GET UP” but it was just some young, hip construction worker doing stuff in out building! How strange. Maybe he was raped and killed and had his shoes and pants stolen. Clark, that is. Perhaps I should check.

Today, we go-a job hunting. Not for me, oh no. I do no labor. Actually, it would be really neat to find a job for like 2-3 days a week while I am in school. RILLLL LIKELY.

Beverlover and I are off to Urban Outfitters soon. Because we are young urban professionals, so we can shop nowhere else!

Sometimes, I think about how someday I will fall.

even better evidence of the chaos that struck.

I saw a movie today called Seraphine. It was very pretty and heartbreaking.

I <3 Portland.

update:

I just got a message from a complete stranger on facebook telling me how much she digs my FACE./hair/eyes/nose ring (which i took out because it makes kissing way less accessible and good!!!)

Ok, so positive judgments do exist.

Also, shout out to Nick Hawley-Gamer that he will never receive for being one of the two most reasonable, thoughtful, well-grounded people I know.

ALSO. MICHAEL JACKSON BIRTHDAY BASH TONIGHT, BOOYAH.